Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I think I just sharted jello shots
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
