John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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