did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
