also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
