I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
