She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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