So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
