Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
