As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
