Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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