Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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