nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
