he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
