I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
