I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
