Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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