OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
