my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
