i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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