So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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