if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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