Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
