I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
