i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
