Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
