I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
