these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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