How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
