Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
