so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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