i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
