I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
