Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
