last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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