ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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