I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
