I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
