So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
