I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
