In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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