I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
