Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
