I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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