Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
