Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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