It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
