how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
