youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
