Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
50% drunk capacity currently
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
