Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
